It's wild in the west country

'Arrers John? I never even saw the Indians.

And many happy returns of the day for Sunday to Sober, who when asked by Beryl at my recent 40th birthday celebrations what his favourite drink was, replied “Strongbow”. Not much beats a chap certain of his favourite pleasures, and many’s a night when Sober can be found on a park bench ladling down cheap cider with the local archers complaining things ain’t whet they used to be, and how much better it was when Tony Blair was taking us to war left right and centre.….As we say in N.21, happy birthday Dave, and looking forward to seeing you soon for a Strongbow.

Don't look now

"I quite fancy the idea of sausages and bagels for my breakfast duvet feast Matt, which Mike thinks is hilarious. Am I missing something?"

Many happy returns of the day to our chum Helen Bush (35 tomorrow) who Ming invariably refers to by the moniker I thoughtfully endowed her with all those years ago when she isn’t around (and sometimes when she is). Apparently, he arranged a surprise weekend of treats for Bush, starting with breakfast in bed, something I gather my Mother was looking forward to this weekend, only to be disappointed when she found out that Ming was otherwise engaged. Quite what other surprises Bush should expect I am not sure of, but if she ends up with a flight to Venice and a red coat for her birthday, then Ming might have given his Julie Christie fetish more wings than propriety would ordinarily allow.

Happy birthday Bush. It is one of life’s ultimate truisms, but life would not be the same without you.

Here pussy pussy.

"Now look here Sarah. It's my birthday on Saturday, and I want to win for a change. Matt always lets you win - I can't think why. "

I am delighted to reproduce some of the finer entries into the Kirsty’s kitten caption competition. Some of them were frankly un-publishable and sorry Steve, but using smutty innuendo just doesn’t cut it I’m afraid. So here we go. I sense an old-school dowsing for someone in the immediate future…

George Best
Mama Mia! Hasn’t Kirsty got a hairy pussy?

Sober
Does Kirsty’s pussy like Strongbow. Ha ha.

Anonymous from Battersea Park Road
Kirsthty’s puthy looks like it needs a Bwazilian.

Isaac Ralli-Yahya
Kirsty’s pussy is nearly as hairy as me.

Liz from Enfield
Grow up.

Pauline (from Redwood Publishing)
If Kirsty thinks she’s coming out with a pussy that hairy on Helen’s birthday, she’s got another thing coming. I might be busy that night.

Red Brick, Brentslow, Middlesex
You are a rude man Mr Howard. Isaac is, however, right.

Helen from SW11
I used to have a cat when I was young Matt, but the cow’s ate it out of desperation when Sharon was trying to turn them vegetarian. I saw Kirsty the other week, and both Toto and I said how fond we were of cats. Toto said generally speaking, she preferred her cats short haired, but on this occasion she thought that Kirsty’s long haired variant was certainly the hairiest pussy she had ever seen. I went home to tell Mike all about this, and he absolutely wet himself. I was (and am) very confused. Do you think Mike doesn’t like hairy cats or something Matt?

Sharon Bush
It wasn’t me. It was Lindsey after when she herd (sic) that cows ate grass, got very confused and the cows got the munchies and were too stoned to yield any milk for the whole of the Cheshire Solstice.

Herr Jambon
No. It was me. I gave them acid.

Ming from the BBC
F*!k me. I haven’t seen one that hairy since I watched Don’t Look Now when Helen was at her organic pilates class last Tuesday. Julie Christie, eh. Now there was a woman. Don’t tell Bush.

34 today

Life's always more fun when we are together

Many happy returns to Sweens Spiteri who is (would you believe) 34 today, although as I’m sure you will agree, doesn’t look a day over 33. If any proof were necessary as to the resemblance between Sweens and the Texan songbird, this surely is it.

Many happy returns of the day Sweens – we hope to see you again very soon.

Today's Kirsty caption competition (or "Pin the tail on the pussy")

Where's the whiskers?

Just in case you are not on Facebook, you might have missed this gem Kirsty decided to share with the world at large. I spent 20 minutes with my female colleagues delving the depths of our respective depravities yesterday afternoon but came up with nothing, so I thought I would throw it open to a wider audiance. Entries to the usual address, and I shall be publishing the best answers when I have made them up. Three guess whose will be the most filthy? Bush.

Bloody hell. It's just like Peter's Friends (only with parents and the Campo's)

Granville in the pub with a Campari & lemonade on Saturday lunchtime

A lunch fit for a Jedi. Much like his parents, Rohan isn't a big fan of food as we can see

Isaac Ralli-Yahya

Father & son - Shteeeeeve & Paaaaaaaaaaaul

Abby's proxy

As many of Peter’s Friends will be aware, your correspondent recently celebrated 40 years on this planet with a surprise birthday weekend away with 33 of his closest family and friends, many of who can also count themselves as friends of Peter as well as your correspondent (not to be confused with friends of Dorothy, who make up the majority of Bush’s colleagues).

Suffice as to say that your correspondent was overwhelmed by the level of sacrifice made by everyone who attended in the form of effort, time, financial outlay, generosity towards your correspondent and the level of affection demonstrated to an old man by so many people. I can say no more than it was the second finest occasion of my life thus far, and 60 of the finer moments from my own camera can be found on my Facebook page by clicking here (worry not - this works even if you don’t do Facebook). Enjoy. I certainly did.

Shock news : Comrade Ralli wearing the same beads two days running at the TUC.

The lady on the left is wearing a new top, apparently

New Labour, same neckless. Well, haven’t you heard there’s a credit crunch on?

Just in case you do not subscribe to that august journal Primary Nursing Care, you might have missed the cover star of the October/November 2008 edition captured in glorious Techincolor after her starring role at the 2008 TUC conference in Brighton. Suffice as to say that Comrade Ralli’s emotive performance was the decisive speech in her debate on mileage allowances, and the motion was carried unanimously.

Should any other of Peter’s Friends have had an increase in their profile that might have gone under the radar, your correspondent will be delighted to help raise your profile at the first available opportunity. It might also increase the profile of the readership to boot, as it has come to my attention that our chum Al Steptoe has been featured rather too much of late for some peoples taste. Mentioning no names, of course.


With thanks to George Best, Mary Stavin, Fluffy P-J, Benjamin Patel-James, Red Ralli, Isaac Ralli-Yahya, Muk (with a sore shoulder),Sober, Jo, Scott & Molly McEllison, Red Bush, Ming, Shteeeeeve, Mrs Shteeeeeeve, Paul Shteeeeeve, Buuuuuud, Dean BJ, "Abby from Waterbeach", Sweens, Susan, Rohan Barbour-Phillips, Sofa Shimmin, Big Steve, Dr Russell, Captain Cunto, Roy Kinneer, Tom Ling and Rachael for bringing this to my attention.

DAN!

Following on from the monumental events of my 40th birthday weekend of which I shall endeavour to justice to when I have written all of my thank-you’s, I thought I might like to share with you where the reference to the phrase “DAN!” came from, as shouted round the back lanes of the Cotswolds by Sober and me on Friday evening whilst looking for my brother, who had been callously abandoned in the mist by his taxi driver. Who would have thought that there would be two churches and only one pub in the village? Had they not heard that Sober was coming for the weekend?