What do you get if you cross a cow with a tree?

Red wedge?

A pint in the Jolly Sailor for the first person to guess who these trademark shoes belong. Well, have you ever seen Sweens in a pair of flatties, as Dave commented the other day.

Singing in the rain (wind, hail etc)

We even dressed up for the occasion

Sharon & Lindsey Bennett at Diana's funeral

Hope you enjoyed the weather at the weekend – it was colder than Siberia in High Wycombe, according to the Murdoch. Not that any of us live in High Wycombe, of course, but hopefully illustrative of the decline in bank holiday weather of late.Liz & I spent the weekend shopping (wrought iron garden furniture– jam tomorrow) and watching Derby get promoted to the Premiership, much to her delight. If that did not prove to be exciting enough, courtesy of some M & S vouchers, we bought The Queen for a comparatively nugatory sum from which I am delighted to reproduce this still of two of the Bennett sisters at Princess Diana’s funeral which was also attended by Liz and I, rather bizarrely. Acording to the jungle drums, the Covern had lunch at Galvins on Park Lane (very Sexth in the Sthity), Al took Rachael to visit Cambridge, Ming baked bread and flap jack to stave off the cold and Sober attended his niece’s birthday party. Quite what his niece made of the bottle of port Sober kindly brought for her I can not be sure, but I gather that Sober was only too pleased to share her bounty with his niece when offered.

Speed - A drug of choice for some

Liz at Bedford Autodrome last Wednesday

Liz had a big day out last week at Bedford Autodrome, enjoying what the Palmer Sport website describes as “the ultimate corporate driving day” courtesy of her benevolent employers in which she drove, amongst others, a Porsche 911 JP3, a Jaguar XKR, a Palmer Jaguar JP1 and a Formula Palmer Audi in which she is pictured here (top speed 165 MPH, 0-60 in 3.4 seconds if you're interested). I don’t even get a Christmas box from my employer, let alone a big day out on a racetrack. I most be in the wrong job (we know, I hear you cry….)

Calypso cricket? Well, not quite.

Welcome to Lord's

The view from our Mound Stand seats

The one and anly Dickie Bird

Fun in the sun

And so to Lord’s on Saturday with Shteeeeeve, who won the draw with Sober as to who comes to which test match with me this summer. Lord’s looked absolutely magnificent, which is more than can be said for the opposition, the West Indies being a pale shadow of the force they were in their pomp. What with Lord’s being the way it is, it goes without saying that conch shells, instruments, rum and afros were conspicuous by their absence, owners of the latter being no doubt put off by the cost of the tickets (Steptoe paid less for his cup final ticket, but we’re not mentioning that) and the draconian constraints placed upon supporters by the MCC. However, Shteeeeve and I had a splendid day, although the cricket wasn’t up to much with the exception of the performance of Monty Panesar, who took four wickets during the day, and ended up with 5 LBW decisions in his favour during one innings, thus becoming the only spin bowler in the history of test cricket to accomplish such a feat, and the best performance by an England spinner at Lord’s for 33 years. We lunched well, your correspondent having promised Shteeeve a gourmet picnic if he brought his tool bag with him, which he dutifully did. Shteeeve also “cut the ribbon” on the newly refurbished guest room at Howards End, the first visitor of the summer and if the appointments diary is anything to go by, certainly not the last. Shame about the football, though.

"Of course I'll watch it, Kirsty"

Giles Coren & Sue Perkins in Edwardian Supersize Me

Just in case you are at home this evening and are short of stimulation, may I recommend Edwardian Supersize Me on BBC2 at 8pm tonight, which was originally shown on BBC4 as part of their Edwardian season. Liz and I almost managed to see the show all of the way through, although the same cannot be said for Bush, who confessed (preceded by a comprehensive selection of expletives) that she had missed the original airing. Why the horror at having missed the show? Because Kirsty (yes, Kirsty who poured not one but two drinks over me whilst we were at Anglia and spent all he time rowing) was a researcher (or some such like) on the show, and Bush had promised her that she would watch it.

No excuses tonight Bush, but you know that she will miss it, don't you?

Last orders

Lest we forget - The Empress on Thoday Street

Still scruffy & grumpy after all of these years - your corrospondent, and Dave of the Empress

So, to an impromptu visit to the fens over the weekend, where the longest established landlord in Cambridge, Dave of the Empress, was hosting a party to commemorate his retirement from the trade after 27 glorious years, 21 of which were spent at the Empress. We were not the only people to have made the visit especially, and he was quite touched at the turnout, as the pub as rammed. Those who have visited the pub over the years will recall a couple of Sober’s old lecturers, John James and Pat were a permanent fixture on the pub’s wooden benches, and Liz decided that an occasion such as this would be a good time to present Sober’s compliments to them. “Ah yes”, John James recalled when Liz mentioned Sober, “he wrote a dissertation on Martin Scorsese called “The Badfella”. As if he could ever forget such a memorable piece of work. And such a bad pun.

He brings his lunch in a Sunblest bag, his nephew calls him Uncle Fagin…

Justin & Jenks - It's like Brokeback Mountain without the homosexuality

"Do you know how old this top is Matt? Almost as old as my bread"

A dog's dinner? "The dog doesn't like ketchup, Just"

So, what of good old Uncle Fagin? Well, Justin is in rude heath as ever, and managed to divert himself from counting his money and catching his lunch for long enough to join us for a boat trip BBQ on Saturday afternoon. As befits a man who cancelled an al fresco luncheon he was due to host at short notice as a result of it dawning on him as to what it would cost, he had a word with the renowned butcher of Pembrokeshire Andrew “Jenks” Jenkins, who thoughtfully procured some prime cuts for Uncle Fagin that he was going to give to his spaniels. As ever, always a pleasure to see Justin, but one question remains - has Fagin no Dignity?

New Labour, new leader

A mole eating a large cake

Psssst. Don’t tell anyone, but a Westminster insider has told me that not only is Tony Blair standing down as Labour leader & Prime Minister, but apparently Gordon Brown in going to be next Prime Minister. As ever, Comrade R. is a rich source of information from the inside. Or not, as the case invariably has it, much to my frustration over the last 10 years.

It's been too long

Mothers in arms - HJ & Sweens

Smile Ben!

Ben - Quite literally his Mother's son

Good to see both fruit & cheesy footballs in these additive-free times

Some things never change....

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I had not seen Helen Jenkins since September 2003, but Sunday marked the first birthday of her son Ben , who readers will be delighted to note sport a similar nose to both HJ and her Father, who was 80 on the following day. Party games were very much the order of the day, but they obviously do things different in the Principality as I noticed pass the parcel was fixed so Ben won the first prize of a squashy rugby ball. I mean, as if you give a toss when you’re one (yes, you do, I hear you crying in unison). Well, I suppose I’m wrong, but in much the same way as Rohan, Ben seemed to be more interested in his birthday tea than the largess with which he was endowed for having completed one year of life thus far.

HJ is due to introduce another Jenkins to the world in July, and readers will be delighted to note that we found Helen in rude health when we saw her on Sunday. Long may this remain the case, and good luck (again) - there must be something in the water on the other side of the Severn.

It's good to talk

Rohan and his little teeth

With Rohan contemplating gracing the world with his first word, it was fascinating to hear that Susan had not one first word, but two first words. So, any guesses? Mama Dada? Jolly Sailor? More food? No, all wrong. Prizes are awarded for anyone who came up with

Stop, Justin.

Priceless. But probably so apt.

A pint and castella

I was overwhelmed with entries to the competition I set on my email dated Wednesday 2nd May, asking for translations for the emails’s subject title

Blygu Adamant Gweithfa aruthreddau

re the blog entry announcing Angela having secured employment as a barmaid at the Jolly Sailor. If you recall, the clues were

“A four word phrase…..think pubs, 1970's & keg beer”.

Well, the answer was “Double Diamond Works Wonders”. And not even my own wife bothered to reply. I sometimes wonder why I bother. Not for too long, though.

Smack Jack the Crackerman

Steps on Sheppard's Bush Green last Thursday

Muppets

So, to Sheppard’s Bush with Steptoe (well, where else would you expect?) However, it was not rags or bones which were on the menu last Thursday, but Jamie T at Sheppard’s Bush Empire preceded by Kangaroo burgers at the Walkabout on the Sheppard’s Bush Green, which were quite disgusting. Steptoe has not only visited the same hairdresser as Ewan McGregor circa 1995, but also appears to have been shopping, and presented himself in a black tie and a leather jacket, which looked very smart teamed with his distressed Converse All-Stars.

Upon taking our seats, we noted that we were by at least 12 years the oldest attendees in our 2nd tier seats, and I reflected on several occasions that I was old enough to be the father of most of those present. However, bearing in mind the skimpy attire sported by many of the animated 17-18 year old ladies and the immoral intentions I ruminated whilst watching them jig about, I was rather glad that I wasn’t related to them in any way whatsoever. Not at least as far as I was aware, anyway, as I gather it is cool (but inaccurate) to add.

Penblwydd Hapus Susan

One day son, you too could have one like this

The view 'round the back

Many happy returns of the day today to Susan, who is celebrating his birthday by inflating some obscenly shaped balloons and having a day off work. As the rugby season is now over (Llangwm finished fourth), Susan is looking forward to having his back passage concreted, due to the recurring bad fumes and “insufficient drainage”. Suffice as to say that the job will require the visit of an RMC lorry to Honeyborough Green in order to achieve the requisite level of satisfaction. Quite how long it is going to take to smooth over the cracks Susan could not be sure, but he said he was very much looking forward to getting the job over and done with. Jolly good luck to him say all at Howards End. And happy birthday once again.

Mulholland’s drive

Angela & Susan celebrating Rohan's first Christmas last year

Shteeeeeve is on tour with Charlie’s Aunt, and this week drove to Plymouth. Guess who he was in the pub with last night? Well, it was Michael Melia, who played Eddie Royle in Eastenders between 1990 and 1995. Shteeeeve’s old chum, Stephen Tompkinson, is also in the play, but apparently no longer frequents licensed premises due to his thirst having been adequately saited after several years on the road in touring theatre, including one memorable evening with Shteeeeve in the University Arms which both protaganists recalled fondly when re-united on tour.

Would you like a large one?

Do you have any wine coolers?

Extra ice in mine please, love

Guess which former Red Cow is going to be dispensing Susan’s Bacardi & coke’s at the Jolly Sailor two lunchtimes and one evening a week (with a possibility of extra shifts as and when necessary)? Well, I haven’t got a clue, but hope to find out when we visit the Principality this weekend. Bottoms up.

Has he got a letter from his Mother?

Guess who was last seen earlier today bunking off from school and boarding a train from Euston in the direction of Merseyside? I’m saying nothing – careless blogs cost jobs, as they say in the electronic community.