The No.1 day out at Christmas

The iconic listed BBC TC Centre building

The look of excited anticipation on our faces is paplable

Girls allowed out for the evening

Christmas isn’t Christmas without Top of the Pops, and for your televisual entertainment this year, there are two programmes to choose from (the traditional Christmas day show, and one on New Years Eve), recorded on three separate occasions and welded together as the editor sees fit. Your correspondent, his research assistant and Holly Bush attended a recording featuring the Kaiser Chiefs, Dizzy Rascal (prior to his arrest), Leona Lewis, Peter Kay (as Geraldine) and Girls Aloud, amongst others. The highlight of the evening was touching three members of Girls Aloud (excluding the ginger one and the loud one), and Liz telling Nadine Coyle to take her dress off. If you enjoy the shows half as much as we enjoyed the recording you will have a wail of a time. Festive fun for all the family, I'm sure you will agree.

Sorry Father (and Mother)

Language, Matthew

I’m not saying either Bush or Ming haven’t good cause to retaliate to the joshing they receive on this forum, but to say I was shocked when they brought to my attention a piece in the Groaniad from 28th November which alluded to an ensemble such as that displayed here being more akin to that of Timothy Lumsden than Sebastian Flyte. I mean to say – what have I done to deserve opprobrium such as this? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

It's wild in the west country

'Arrers John? I never even saw the Indians.

And many happy returns of the day for Sunday to Sober, who when asked by Beryl at my recent 40th birthday celebrations what his favourite drink was, replied “Strongbow”. Not much beats a chap certain of his favourite pleasures, and many’s a night when Sober can be found on a park bench ladling down cheap cider with the local archers complaining things ain’t whet they used to be, and how much better it was when Tony Blair was taking us to war left right and centre.….As we say in N.21, happy birthday Dave, and looking forward to seeing you soon for a Strongbow.

Don't look now

"I quite fancy the idea of sausages and bagels for my breakfast duvet feast Matt, which Mike thinks is hilarious. Am I missing something?"

Many happy returns of the day to our chum Helen Bush (35 tomorrow) who Ming invariably refers to by the moniker I thoughtfully endowed her with all those years ago when she isn’t around (and sometimes when she is). Apparently, he arranged a surprise weekend of treats for Bush, starting with breakfast in bed, something I gather my Mother was looking forward to this weekend, only to be disappointed when she found out that Ming was otherwise engaged. Quite what other surprises Bush should expect I am not sure of, but if she ends up with a flight to Venice and a red coat for her birthday, then Ming might have given his Julie Christie fetish more wings than propriety would ordinarily allow.

Happy birthday Bush. It is one of life’s ultimate truisms, but life would not be the same without you.

Here pussy pussy.

"Now look here Sarah. It's my birthday on Saturday, and I want to win for a change. Matt always lets you win - I can't think why. "

I am delighted to reproduce some of the finer entries into the Kirsty’s kitten caption competition. Some of them were frankly un-publishable and sorry Steve, but using smutty innuendo just doesn’t cut it I’m afraid. So here we go. I sense an old-school dowsing for someone in the immediate future…

George Best
Mama Mia! Hasn’t Kirsty got a hairy pussy?

Sober
Does Kirsty’s pussy like Strongbow. Ha ha.

Anonymous from Battersea Park Road
Kirsthty’s puthy looks like it needs a Bwazilian.

Isaac Ralli-Yahya
Kirsty’s pussy is nearly as hairy as me.

Liz from Enfield
Grow up.

Pauline (from Redwood Publishing)
If Kirsty thinks she’s coming out with a pussy that hairy on Helen’s birthday, she’s got another thing coming. I might be busy that night.

Red Brick, Brentslow, Middlesex
You are a rude man Mr Howard. Isaac is, however, right.

Helen from SW11
I used to have a cat when I was young Matt, but the cow’s ate it out of desperation when Sharon was trying to turn them vegetarian. I saw Kirsty the other week, and both Toto and I said how fond we were of cats. Toto said generally speaking, she preferred her cats short haired, but on this occasion she thought that Kirsty’s long haired variant was certainly the hairiest pussy she had ever seen. I went home to tell Mike all about this, and he absolutely wet himself. I was (and am) very confused. Do you think Mike doesn’t like hairy cats or something Matt?

Sharon Bush
It wasn’t me. It was Lindsey after when she herd (sic) that cows ate grass, got very confused and the cows got the munchies and were too stoned to yield any milk for the whole of the Cheshire Solstice.

Herr Jambon
No. It was me. I gave them acid.

Ming from the BBC
F*!k me. I haven’t seen one that hairy since I watched Don’t Look Now when Helen was at her organic pilates class last Tuesday. Julie Christie, eh. Now there was a woman. Don’t tell Bush.

34 today

Life's always more fun when we are together

Many happy returns to Sweens Spiteri who is (would you believe) 34 today, although as I’m sure you will agree, doesn’t look a day over 33. If any proof were necessary as to the resemblance between Sweens and the Texan songbird, this surely is it.

Many happy returns of the day Sweens – we hope to see you again very soon.

Today's Kirsty caption competition (or "Pin the tail on the pussy")

Where's the whiskers?

Just in case you are not on Facebook, you might have missed this gem Kirsty decided to share with the world at large. I spent 20 minutes with my female colleagues delving the depths of our respective depravities yesterday afternoon but came up with nothing, so I thought I would throw it open to a wider audiance. Entries to the usual address, and I shall be publishing the best answers when I have made them up. Three guess whose will be the most filthy? Bush.

Bloody hell. It's just like Peter's Friends (only with parents and the Campo's)

Granville in the pub with a Campari & lemonade on Saturday lunchtime

A lunch fit for a Jedi. Much like his parents, Rohan isn't a big fan of food as we can see

Isaac Ralli-Yahya

Father & son - Shteeeeeve & Paaaaaaaaaaaul

Abby's proxy

As many of Peter’s Friends will be aware, your correspondent recently celebrated 40 years on this planet with a surprise birthday weekend away with 33 of his closest family and friends, many of who can also count themselves as friends of Peter as well as your correspondent (not to be confused with friends of Dorothy, who make up the majority of Bush’s colleagues).

Suffice as to say that your correspondent was overwhelmed by the level of sacrifice made by everyone who attended in the form of effort, time, financial outlay, generosity towards your correspondent and the level of affection demonstrated to an old man by so many people. I can say no more than it was the second finest occasion of my life thus far, and 60 of the finer moments from my own camera can be found on my Facebook page by clicking here (worry not - this works even if you don’t do Facebook). Enjoy. I certainly did.

Shock news : Comrade Ralli wearing the same beads two days running at the TUC.

The lady on the left is wearing a new top, apparently

New Labour, same neckless. Well, haven’t you heard there’s a credit crunch on?

Just in case you do not subscribe to that august journal Primary Nursing Care, you might have missed the cover star of the October/November 2008 edition captured in glorious Techincolor after her starring role at the 2008 TUC conference in Brighton. Suffice as to say that Comrade Ralli’s emotive performance was the decisive speech in her debate on mileage allowances, and the motion was carried unanimously.

Should any other of Peter’s Friends have had an increase in their profile that might have gone under the radar, your correspondent will be delighted to help raise your profile at the first available opportunity. It might also increase the profile of the readership to boot, as it has come to my attention that our chum Al Steptoe has been featured rather too much of late for some peoples taste. Mentioning no names, of course.


With thanks to George Best, Mary Stavin, Fluffy P-J, Benjamin Patel-James, Red Ralli, Isaac Ralli-Yahya, Muk (with a sore shoulder),Sober, Jo, Scott & Molly McEllison, Red Bush, Ming, Shteeeeeve, Mrs Shteeeeeeve, Paul Shteeeeeve, Buuuuuud, Dean BJ, "Abby from Waterbeach", Sweens, Susan, Rohan Barbour-Phillips, Sofa Shimmin, Big Steve, Dr Russell, Captain Cunto, Roy Kinneer, Tom Ling and Rachael for bringing this to my attention.

DAN!

Following on from the monumental events of my 40th birthday weekend of which I shall endeavour to justice to when I have written all of my thank-you’s, I thought I might like to share with you where the reference to the phrase “DAN!” came from, as shouted round the back lanes of the Cotswolds by Sober and me on Friday evening whilst looking for my brother, who had been callously abandoned in the mist by his taxi driver. Who would have thought that there would be two churches and only one pub in the village? Had they not heard that Sober was coming for the weekend?

Chavs on the town

Another crap night out

Mine's a large one

Some action from last night

Some photographs from your correspondent’s visit to see The Streets with Steptoe, who also very kindly provided the ticket. It was an excellent gig, which can be viewed on the Ming’s BBCi player by clicking on this link. As you can see, we had a splendid time.

Style never goes out of fashion

Sunday Sunday..

I just thought you might like to see a photograph of Alex on Sunday, who not only managed to survive his 10k run for Cancer Research UK, but plans to do another one hosted by the pub at the end of his road in the middle of next month. Apparently, this is what passes for cutting edge fashion in the world of recreational running, or so I am told, although his mode of dress is perhaps a tad fancy for my liking. Sartorial matters aside however, should you wish to sponsor Twickenham’s answer to Jimmy Saville (or should that be Jimmy Summerville?), I am sure your contribution will be gratefully appreciated.

Je ne sais pas, Steptoe

Mr Harry Viderci and Angela's hairdryer

Strangely enough, our final Steps back in time today takes us to Sweeney’s house above the offy on Mill Road, and the occasion he tried to repatriate the El Grecco’s who lived with Sweens and send them back to mainland Europe. He failed miserably, of course, but was once fed paella by them, I remeber, although I don't seem to ever recall them being invited back for his baked bean salad. Perhaps I was out that day. Or perhaps not.

That will do for now, I think, but there’s plenty more where those came from, as we are all no doubt aware, and it is always a pleasure, as we will no doubt attest, to Steps back in time with any of Peter's Friends.

35 today

Toto eating wubbery stweeths on her hen day

Many happy returns of the day to Toto, who is (would you believe) 35 today. We are celebrating in the time honoured fashion this evening, although it will be somewhat of a busman’s holiday tonight as we’re going to see The All Stars on their weekly residency in a bar near St.Paul’s. Let’s hope it’s not all work and no play for Mrs James this evening. I mean, you’re not 35 every day, are you?

Can’t get you out of your bed

What the lunch lacked in subtelty it mad up for in wine. And gin.

Today finds us taking a Steps back to…..well, 24 hours later, and Sunday lunch at 129 Cherry Hinton Road. We got absolutely smashed on cheap white wine from Peatlings, and Steps proceeded to pass out on his bed whilst we washed up. Plus ca change, plus ca la meme chose, as the El Grecco's used to say.

Especially for You

Where did you get that hat? Or such nice weather for April for that matter (it was a glorious weekend)

SO today, we Steps back in time to 30th April 1994, only to find Steptoe hanging with the kids at Fenner’s (our first ever visit, where we met Lord Archer) and sporting a Sean Hughes tour t-shirt. A classic slacker look as made famous in Larry Clark's Kids a mere 12 months later. As ever, Steptoe was ahead of his time.

Just in case you’re interested, responses to yesterday’s picture included

"Well, I wasn’t invited."

"Vodka yeth, jelly no."

"Did you bake a hash cake?"

"Ha ha. A box of Blue Riband and a visit to Dr Russell, if I remember rightly."

" I couldn’t stay late, as I had an essay to write."

Happy days, happy days….

Beater the devil you know

It's winner takes it all on Sunday, sadly

I just thought you might like to know that Alex is doing a 10k run for Cancer Research UK with his dodgy knee. Should you wish to spend the money you would otherwise have spent on a round of Stella's for our friend from SW Greater London on something more charitable, a visit to this link will allow you to exercise your charitable arm in the time honoured fashion. Much beater for your liver, as well. Beater. Geddit?

Steps back in time

All I want for my birthday is a new remote control.

In celebration of Steptoe’s 34th birthday today, your correspondent is pleased to reproduce the first of a series of photographs in which we, quite literally, Step(s) back in time.

So, as it’s his birthday, here’s one of his 22nd birthday in 1995 taken in the sitting room at Seymour Street, which according to the photographic evidence I hold was celebrated with vodka jelly. Anyway, many happy returns of the day Steptoe - 1995 seems like only 13 years ago, as I'm sure you will agree.

The joy of Ming's video viewer.

The Hewald of the Wed Dawn, as Toto describes Anita

Just in case you missed Anita at the TUC, her motion carrying performance can be viewed by clicking on the following link (as invented by Ming), and fast forwarding for approximately 31/32 minutes to save yourself having to watch a load of Guardian reading pinko’s being ernest at the seaside. That’s the way Bush described it, anyway. Well done again Brick.

Viva la revolution (freedom for Brentford)

Red Ralli in action earlier today

Cometh the hour, cometh the Comrade. Leaving not a dry eye in the house, Comrade Ralli produced a speech at the TUC (yes, the TUC) this morning live on BBC Parliament which resulted in a sea of red hankies as she identified the plight of district nurses flying round the country in their Morris Minors for a nugatory mileage allowance when it costs a packet to not only fill the car but to keep the old retainer on the road. And did you know that they even have to provide their own cars? Well, our Herald of the Red Dawn is fighting their corner, as is now so eminent within the trade union movement that she was the official seconder for what was the first motion of the day identifying the plight of such workers. Suffice as to say that she did herself and her union proud, and looked not only splendid but also very professional. Well done Comrade – the red flag files over sunny Brentford and for this week only, over Brighton as well.

Can you guess who it is yet?

A man with ideas above his work station?

I bet his didn't come from Glasses Direct

I arrived back at work after the James's wedding to find my new glasses had arrived from Glasses Direct whilst I was away. I thought I had better put a picture of me wearing them on this portal just in case you don't recognise me when we next meet. New glasses are no laughing matter, after all.

The day Toto became an outlaw

Mr & Mrs Benjamin James

Comrade Ralli, Toto, Sweens & Liz, who held on to her fizz flute all night

Bush, Toto (with large vodka) and Jo sporting her Facilitator

Sweens, Liz & Bush outside the Cafe Royal

Toto, Henal Hempstead and Zara, blinged up top the max.

Peter’s Friends is delighted to announce to the world that the arch Cwiminal Angel herself has been made an honest woman of at last, and is now to be formally known as Mrs Benjamin James, latterly of the parish of Wembley (sorry, Sudbury) and now of Battersea. The sun almost shone, more vodka was consumed than at a Tsar’s Bar Mitzvah and the band played until we could take no more. The bride looked marvellous, of course, and Benjamin scrubbed up well after a night in the W1 Travellodge. Anita delivered Toto in good order to the safe custody of her Father, Jo applied the slap with aplomb whilst wearing a Terminator on her head, Rachel & Steptoe made it five weddings in consecutive weekends without looking too frazzled, Bush spoke well in an almost unfeasibly short dress and Muk was almost on time. In short, a classic wedding with very Toto-ish twist. I’m sure all of Peter’s Friends wish them a long and happy life together.

Click here for a comprehnsive selection of photographs on Facebook.

Back to school in South Park

A lesson to us all

Christian Capello turning out for El Grecco United in 1994

Back to school looms for many children this week. Not that any of Peter’s Friends have to worry about such matters yet a while with regard to their own offspring, but as and when they do, they can console themselves that with teachers like Steptoe plying their wares in classrooms up and down the country, their children will be in safe hands.

This term, Steptoe is sharing his wisdom with six and seven year olds, with puppets being very much to the fore (the spirit of Mr. Garrison lives on in sunny SW London). I for one very much look forward to seeing his Mr Jambon puppet as and when it materialises (probably unshaven and sporting a tracksuit), and sense that Mr Scolari might be helping out with games, probably with the assistance of Mr Capello, on whom Mr Whiting might like to assist as a model for. I'm sure it was never like this in my day. Good luck, Sir.

Never mind Peter's Friends, what about Toto's?

Queen Hen on her throne in the hotel

"When I get to Warwick Avenue......" disembark the narrow boat and go to the pub for more wine

Mrs McEllison demonstrating the rude sweets Toto wolfed down all afternoon

Mrs Pinot & Mrs Grigiot the Hoxton Hotel after a vigerous bout of wine tasting

Is it a top? Is it a dress? No, it's Red Bush on Toto's hen night.

Comrade Ralli laughing politely at my impromptu speech

Readers of Peter’s Friends will be delighted to know that Toto’s "hen day" on Saturday went down very well. The happy hens were cooped in the Hoxton Hotel, and spent the day cruising the Regent’s Canal, wine tasting in Little Venice, dining in the Great Eastern Dining Room and wine tasting once again at Cantaloupe on Charlotte Road. A good time was had by all, although a few sore heads made it down to breakfast the following morning. Your correspondent was not among them, however, having left at 10.30pm before he could be accused of outstaying his welcome. I must say, however, loving the company of women as I do, not much beats a day out with the ladies, and as such, I was in my element. Especially as everyone seemed to have a good time, as hopefully the pictures illustrate.

If you wish to see the all of the photographs, clicking on the following link should do the trick. Roll on the wedding!

The song remains the same

Just in case you missed the new Oasis single on the Chris Moyles show this morning, your correspondent is delighted to share this link with you for your listening pleasure. It is, of course, available for download for your aural pleasure, should you so wish….

The Shock of the Lightning MP3

Falling Down MP3

The Bush who launched a thousand books

" So, how does the off-side rule work, Matt?"

Lesson one - How to speel

Bush and your corrospondent

So, off to the Kremlin to the launch of a book on football with Bush, which of course is very important. Not as important as the free food, beer and wine of course, but important enough. Being hosted by the Groaniad, most of the people there were rather scruffy, but that’s what passes for smart in media circles, I am informed.

Anyway, a good time was had by all, Bush was mentioned in the closing credits and Salman Rushdie was nowhere to be seen. I only managed to embarrass Bush twice, once by arriving in the first place (the girl on the door had been forewarned) and again by asking the chap running the bar where “the pretty girl with the red hair” was (he was only too willing to oblige – perhaps I don’t look stalker-ish enough to be a danger to women). Only time will tell if we’re invited again. Not that I’m holding my breath, of course.

Kafka's Motorbike revisited

"Now, which pair of big pants shall I wear today?"

No film makes me laugh so much.

"The opening of an envelope? I'll be there".

Ladies and gentlemen...Ladies and gentlemen...Ladies and...OI! OI! Can you all turn around please? The mics not working...Ladies and gentlemen, weclome to the launch of Kafka's Motorbike, the greatest book of our time...except for yours Salman Rusdie which are also very good. And yours Lord Archer...yours...aren't bad.

Bridget Jones' Diary 2001

Never let it be said that your correspondent is anything other than supportive to Peter’s Friends when circumstances and energies allow. So, you will be delighted to read that he is due to attend a book launch at the Kremlin on Farringdon Road tomorrow night at Bridget Bush’s invitation. Although it would have to go some to beat the Kafka’s Motorbike section of Bridget Jones’s Diary, Bush assures me that not only will she be wearing something nice, but also that SR (as I gather he's known in PR circles) will be turning up for the occasion. It goes without saying that I shall be taking the camera along for the evening......

At home with the Jackson's

The Jackson 3

Buuuuuuuuud with Abigail and a detachable knocker

Spot the baby

Your correspondent is delighted to share some photographs with all of Peter’s friends of Abigail Jackson with her proud parents and one of her recent visitors sporting colour-coordinated attire. Mother, Father and baby are all doing well, and it was reassuring to find them all in such good spirits. Our visit coincided with the arrival of the Buuuuud clan consisting of Julie, Merv and Gran, who had arrived with a caravan and a crystal ball with a plan to make a bob or two whilst visiting telling fortunes, no doubt. Although your correspondent cannot foresee the future himself, it would not require the skills of Rose-Lee to envisage sleepless nights and lots of poo being close to the top of the agenda for the immediate future. Well done to them both - I’m sure they will be excellent parents.